


Goodbye Internet

by writtenindreams



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Suicide, This Is Sad, What Was I Thinking, goodbye internet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 11:35:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16597097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writtenindreams/pseuds/writtenindreams
Summary: When Phil dies suddenly, Dan won't believe it. He records one last video, and makes a decision that will change his life forever.AKA the saddest oneshot that I have ever written





	Goodbye Internet

One week.

That's how long it has been since the day that the hospital called me.

I guess that I was his emergency contact in the records, but it didn't come to my mind at the time. I wasn't even thinking. I couldn't hear the nurse on the other end of the line. I couldn't see the room that I was standing in.

It was all a blur. It couldn't have been real. At least, that is what I told myself at that moment.

Now, after a week, I realize that it is real. I realize that he is never coming back. That I will never be able to laugh at his stupid innuendos or stare into those big blue eyes of his. He is gone, and me realizing this doesn't mean that I will accept it. I will not believe this insanity that the world has put on my shoulders.

He is alive. He is fine and he is breathing. He is just laying down on his bed in his room, right?

Of course he is. He would never leave me.

I have been in the same position, staring out of my window in my room, for the past four hours. I was watching the cars drive past the road at first, but now I was just staring at the blue sky.

Why did it have to be blue? It reminded me of the blue eyes that I so dearly missed.

I can just go into his room and see his bright face, right? He will be there, on his computer. He will light up when he sees me walk in, because that is how it always is.

It will be fine. I'm fine. He is fine.

I go to stand up from this position, but it is hard because my foot has fallen asleep due to me being there for so long. I lean my hand on the wall next to the window for support, and eventually I stand up straight. I shake off the tingly feeling that my foot has acquired and walk out of my room.

As I walk down the hallway in our flat, I can almost hear his laugh still ringing in my ears. He must have saw something hilarious whilst on his computer. I smiled at the thought.

I got to his door, and pushed it open. I just couldn't wait to see his beautiful face.

When I see his face, it is as if time stops. It feels as though there is nobody in the entire world except for us. His face is my favorite sight. I could stare at it for hours on end.

I looked into his room, and it was empty. I knew it would be empty. At least, my mind knew. My heart couldn't even bear to listen to the thought. His blue and green bed sat there, with no one laying on it.

No one laughing.

I stared at the bed for what seemed like hours. It was only a few moments, but these days seemed to go on forever now. I walked into the room and sat on his bed.

I could still smell his scent in this room. I could smell it on the sheets. I could smell it in the air. It was a perfume that I wanted to wear for the rest of my life.

I brought the sheets up to my face and cuddled them as much as I could. I wanted Phil to be there. Not these old sheets.

But he was gone, and there was nothing I could do. I felt the tears drip down onto the sheets, and eventually I was sobbing. I grasped the sheets as hard as I could and fell back into the bed. I curled my knees up to my chest and cried the hardest I have ever done so in my life.

I didn't care who could hear. I didn't care about anything anymore. I let the loud sobs escape my mouth, and I could feel the sheets getting more damp as the tears splashed down.

Eventually no sound came out anymore. I cried so hard that the sobs couldn't be heard. It was better this way. No one to get annoyed.

I haven't cried until this point. Before, I wouldn't believe that he was dead. Even after seeing his limp body on the hospital bed, I wouldn't believe it.

He had a heart attack when he was walking home from Starbucks. It was sudden and unexpected, at least that was what the nurse told me. I think she told me that. I'm not quite sure. After she told me that he had passed away, I couldn't really hear anything else.

What am I going to do? He is gone, and he was my everything. He still is my everything. Nothing can change that, not even death. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live in a world where he isn't here with me.

I know what I have to do.

I slowly got up from his bed and headed towards the closet in the hallway that stored our cameras. I passed the big mirror on the wall while walking there.

I stopped and looked at myself. My clothes were damp and sticky from the tears, and my eyes were red and puffy. My hair was a mess with strands sticking out in all different directions. My face was blotchy and I stunk because I haven't bothered to shower or brush my teeth. I was wearing the same clothes that I have been wearing for a week. I didn't bother straightening myself out.

There was no point anymore.

I got to the closet and pulled out the old camera that we used to use before we got a better one just recently. I held it in my hands and smiled. This camera has recorded so many beautiful memories. I had to use this camera. I didn't care if this video would be "low quality". It was a link to the past when Phil was alive, and that was all that mattered.

I walked back into Phil's room and set the camera up on a stack of Phil's favorite books. I clicked the red record button and walked back into frame. I sat on Phil's bed, and after a few moments I looked up at the camera and started to let the words come out.

"It's hard." I looked down at my feet. I took a breath and looked back up.

"It's hard to do this. To make this video. To sit here and know that he isn't here. To live in a world without him."

I sighed and put my head in my hands.

"I'm not quite sure what I am going to do right now. I don't know what I am going to say or if I will even be alive tomorrow." I brought my head back up and looked at the monitor.

I looked horrible. I looked broken.

"This is my last video. These are my last words."

I felt the tears start to run down my cheek.

"Y-you could call this m-my suicide note, I s-suppose," I choked out.

"He's gone, and there is nothing I can do about it," I cried.

I felt the anger build inside of me. I felt it bubble up in my stomach and it burst through my mouth.

"HE IS G-GONE! FUCKING GONE. HE IS D-DEAD. O-OKAY?" I yelled this with my hands on my head, grasping my hair.

I whispered, "It's my f-fault, isn't it?"

By this point, I couldn't even see anything. The tears were blurring my vision.

"I put too m-much stress on him with the t-tour and the b-board game and his h-heart couldn't take it and it's my f-fault and..."

I started blubbering and going on a tangent. It was a jumble of words that most people probably wouldn't be able to make out if they tried.

Eventually I stopped and put my head back into my hands. I cried. I didn't care if these "fans" saw me cry. It would be the last time they would see me anyways.

I sat there for about five minutes, sobbing my eyes out. He should be here to comfort me. He should be here to tell me that everything is okay. He should be here to hold me in his arms.

But he isn't.

I looked up at the camera.

"Phil. I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know even know if you are still aware of anything. You know how I don't believe in this 'Heaven' shit, but I would really like it to be real right about now. I just need you to listen to me."

I looked up to the ceiling and sighed.

"Phil, I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry t-that I didn't l-love you more. I'm sorry that I didn't make breakfast for you more often and I'm sorry that I always teased you so much. I'm sorry that I got annoyed when you would mess up in a stupid video game. I'm sorry that I didn't hold you more and I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you more. I'm sorry that you ended up with me."

I started to use my hands more to express how I felt. I was crying harder than ever.

"I n-never deserved y-you. You were p-perfect in every way possible, and you deserved everything that the w-world had to offer. But you got s-stuck with me. An idiot who d-didn't give you enough love."

By now, I looked like a crazy person. My hands were moving about everywhere and the tears were splashing down like rain on a stormy day.

"I c-can't do it anymore. I tried for a week to live without you, and now I know that it's impossible to live without your other half. S-so I'm done. I'm doing what you told me not to do for years now"

"I would rather take the chance of dying and seeing you again than live without you."

I looked straight at the camera and sighed. I was now talking to the people who made it all happen.

"P-please don't do what I am going to do. Love the people who are around you, because you n-never know when they will be g-gone."

I looked at my hands. They were trembling. I said one last thing to our fans.

"I love you all. Thank you for everything. This was the most fun I've ever had."

I smiled at the thought of me saying those exact words when I was with Phil. I'd be with him soon.

"Goodbye Internet."

With that, I stood up and walked towards the camera. I stopped the recording and immediately picked it up.

I took the camera to my computer in my room and uploaded the final video. I didn't bother to put a description or a thumbnail. I was in a hurry.

I titled it "Goodbye Internet"

While it was processing, I ran to my closet. I frantically opened the door and moved my clothes to the side. I finally set my eyes on an old box that I was saving for the right time.

Now was that time.

I opened the box and pulled out the small gun that was laying inside. Phil never knew about this box. If he knew, he would have taken the gun away immediately.

I walked back to my computer. The video was done processing, and so I clicked upload with trembling hands. I turned away from my computer and sat on my bed.

I looked around my room. There were old plushies and photos of me and Phil in frames. I looked down at the gun in my hand and smiled.

I knew that people would be sad. That's how humans worked. Sadness came with death. But they should have known that this would happen eventually. They should have known that I would die at the expense of my own hands.

I couldn't imagine a world without Phil. My world without Phil is like the world without air. No one would survive, just like how I wouldn't be able to survive. He is my air.

And I am suffocating.

I raised the gun to the side of my head with my shaky hands.

I couldn't put a label to Phil. He wasn't just my best friend. He wasn't just my partner in crime. He wasn't just my other half. He wasn't just my world. No words or labels could express what Phil was to me. Is to me. He is Phil.

And that is the greatest description of them all.

I closed my eyes and steadied my breath.

I will be with him now.

Like it should be.

I pulled the trigger.


End file.
